If You Can’t Say Something Nice, Don’t Say It?

By Lois Robley, Ph.D.

You have heard the old adage, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it”, and you probably know people who try their best to live by this mantra. Is it a good principle or practice? And, should we encourage others to follow suit so that gossip is eliminated or at least minimized?

We need to consider whether gossip is something that benefits society and institutions or whether it is wholly wrong to engage in gossip of any kind. Gossip is variable defined in the dictionaries as: light, informal conversation for social occasions; a report about the behavior of other people, news mongering, tittle-tattle, and idle talk and rumors especially about the private affairs of others.

Psychologists and communication researchers have narrowed the definition to “evaluative talk about a person who is not present” (Turner, Mazur, Wendel & Winslow, 2003).

Gossip is an alluring, entertaining and prevalent part of everyday life, comprising as much as 60% of adult conversations (Wert & Salovey, 2004). It can be the “social glue” that holds people together, builds group bonds, creates workplace and social identity, raises esteem, and clarifies boundaries.

Without gossip, a new person in an organization will be hard pressed to learn the culture and organizational rules of behavior. Without gossip, she learns little about the expertise of those in the organization.

Talking about others is a way to understand what is mysterious, unique, and challenging about people. It is a way of helping us to “absorb and evaluate intimations about other lives” (Bok, 1989, p.91). Gossip also can have negative valence, instructing us about socially disapproved behavior. This cautionary gossip is helpful particularly when shared with friends.

Negative talk about another can, however, cause “relational ruin” as it injures and destroys individual reputations and even causes stock to plummet in worth. When the impression of another is disproportionately negative it can be injurious; when gossip is used for personal advantage it can devolve into personal attack. And studies show this type of gossip is more prevalent than socially positive gossip (Turner, Mazur, Wendel & Winslow, 2003).

But what about information that is truthful or based upon conjecture or suspicion that we might like to share? Much of this disclosure could be seen as an invasion of privacy especially if placed in written format (e-mail, blogs, My Space, Facebook, text messaging, etc.).

One method we might use to discern the appropriateness of such gossip is to ask the question: is the information of a private (secret) nature? And, can the individual(s) talked about be hurt by sharing such information with others?

It is natural to think that by gossiping we are sharing a tidbit of information (in a very privileged way) with a trusted friend or colleague and that the information will go no further and will be neutral in its effect.

However, there are two fallacies to that idea: (1) expecting another to hold secret something you cannot keep yourself places an undue burden on the relationship and the individual and (2) in subtle (or not so subtle) ways the recipient of that knowledge treats the person talked about in a uniquely different or negative way.

So, is the advice, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it” wise? Not necessarily. In one way sharing negative messages about a third party can be very beneficial, but only if done with good intention and with some thought to its consequences.

Dr. Lois Robley, Ph.D., is assistant director and professor of ethics at the Siegel Institute.